March 11th, 2020
a note to all those who stumble across this journal -
that is exactly what this is. a journal. this is not my "blog." i am not attempting to entertain anyone, or impress them with my well thought out writings. it is also not a "diary" in the terms of always recounting every detail of my life. i vent and process here a lot, so it can swing to the dour side of things now and again. it can also be squishy and happy, it can be sharing things i like, but yeah, i most definitely reserve the right to navelgaze and boohoo - writing this way helps me sort out emotions that otherwise overwhelm.
if you ever have any questions, feel free to ask. much better than assuming.
April 13th, 2012
If I write here, who will read?
January 4th, 2012
"you just push forward. do better next time. don't pretend to be such a princess that one major fuckup is going to besmirch your pristine record irrevocably and no one will want your non-virginal offerings. and don't flatter yourself that you're the only smart and capable slacker to blow an assignment here and there. they've seen you, they've seen better and they've seen worse. that feeling, that crushing guilt? analyze it, adapt as necessary and move on. don't run away because you feel bad. figure out what that feeling has to teach you and put it in perspective.
easier said than done, but you've learned this by now - running away doesn't solve anything, and try as you might, you aren't going to outrun your inherent flaws. may as well face them and learn to improve."
October 3rd, 2011
I dunno, I don't feel right positing notes to facebook and my blog is so so broken. It's pretty shameful. And beyond that, I don't know that I want my blog to be super personal, this was my day kind of stuff. I guess it could be, but this feels more like... a journal. I guess old habits die hard. I write a lot in a notebook, not lengthy compositions but my top thoughts for the day and usually LISTS. i relearned cursive and now have beautimous handwriting. I'm sure Omi would be proud. I'm sure she'd be proud in general, because I landed a great new job in my chosen field (librarian) and today was my first day. I am of course on information overload, but everyone was very kind, and my coworkers took me out to lunch and put daisies on my desk to welcome me. I know that they really liked the girl who I am replacing, so I deeply appreciate their efforts to be kind. I feel awkward because I'm just kind of awkward and it's always a transitional phase anyway. I have moments of self doubt but I set those aside, because there's no point in forecasting failure when there's no real reason to believe it will come to pass. I do look forward to feeling more confident and actually knowing how to do my job well, because I really did at my old (deeply awesome, but part time) job at the public library. Much better way to pass the time, if I do say so myself.
Rambling. Have multiple flesh wounds thanks to the cat trying to discipline the pit bull. From the cat, mind you, who would not stop violently attacking the dog I was having to restrain from murdering her (who was not interested in murdering her before the assault began). Now to write a five page paper due at midnight. HAR HAR full time job and two grad classes, I'm just sort of beyond any kind of realistic comprehension of how bullshitty the next while in my life will be in terms of too much to do and have moved on to laughing idiotically.
October 2nd, 2011
...to believe, really, that I am going to succeed in whatever I do.
I mean, that doesn't mean there won't be failures, disappointments, mistakes. But I have finally gotten the memo: I am a powerful person, in words and deed, and if I cut out negativity from my life and put in the focus and determination it takes to make things happen, the end result is going to be something of which I am truly proud.
I don't know what that result will be, yet, and that's just fine. It's more about the knowledge that there will always be goodness in my life and the lives of those I care about if I have any say in the matter, which I do! I am effective. I am smart, and capable, I dream of the big picture and dominate the details. And due to my unique life and experiences, I have developed an objectivity that allows me to take action from a place of peace and conscientiousness. Now that, THAT, is hard work. To master my emotions, to realize they aren't facts but instead clues, cues, whispers from your heart. To take responsibility for my actions, to disentangle my emotions from my ego, to just move on, move past. To be mindfully kind when it would be easier to rage. And hardest of all, to forgive. I still falter, but I have gained a great deal of self-control in the past few years, and finally feel as if I am no longer a hostage to the storming sea of my emotions. My emotions are real to me, but they aren't to anyone else - and they don't "exist" in the real world. If I respond exclusively to my emotions, I will always be disempowered and unable to most effectively navigate the real world that continues to exist and require my mindful participation no matter how wrapped up in my own personal narrative I have become. It has NOT been an easy journey, and it's not even close to over, but I have definitely developed a more peaceful awareness that allows me to accomplishment so much more than I ever have in the past.
So, tomorrow I start a really exciting new job at an academic learning center, having left a wonderful public library on great terms. I'm right at the beginning of my library and information science grad program and this is a fascinating time to be studying information - and a great time for people who care about people to get involved in these transitions that can unintentionally reduce individuals to mere statistics and focus on technological advancements over the quality of human life. My perspectives will help provide balance and my voice can speak out for many who would otherwise be ignored. It's just a rock and roll time to be me, and I wanted to write that down. :)
September 8th, 2011
My fine qualities.
Learns through doing.
Willing to grow.
Willing to endure discomfort for growth.
Believes in herself.
August 21st, 2011
my unfinished paintings, like ghosts i can't ignore, lilting
i could have been great, she said.
i could have been gorgeous
no. i am defiant.
you could never be anything.
you are nothing.
yeah right, they sing
each leering, half-formed
mutant failure to commit
we know the truth.
just a coward, she said
can't face us
can't face yourself
July 18th, 2011
and so little time to say it. in the meantime - meet pearl, my new pound puppy. she came to the pound starving, suffering badly from mange, and enjoying about every intestinal parasite possible. she was someone's trash, and now she's my precious pearl. this dog is so awesome, you guys... you just don't even know.
this adoption followed a major shakeup in my household when i had to put tweenie, my soul mate, to sleep suddenly a few weeks ago. i miss her very much, but she was the perfect dog, and even her death was "perfect." she was comfortable until less than 24 hours before her death, and then just bam, something wrong with her brain and she no longer had control over her motor functions. it was scary and sad, but... somehow i can't
June 23rd, 2011
the fool is important because he has no goals. he is adrift, aimless in his wanderings, and he is not burdened by a fixed sense of reality. though he is about to plummet to his doom, the fool only looks up at the sky. he isn't afraid.
people are wired to meet goals. they want to accomplish. but, to accomplish, you have to believe in things that have yet to be. you have to be able to envision accomplishing your goals, and feel the emotional motivation to achieve them.
clearly, not all goals are for the greater or personal good. but it doesn't matter, because our drive to reach goals [especially to preserve your personal well being] is so primal. and our desire to continue to maintain our beliefs, undisturbed, is a powerful motivator as well.
the fool doesn't have any goal but to be. all he has to do is show up for the game. he's not WORRIED about anything. he's outside of a a complex reality full of bias, because he's too new. of course, he is about to experience a great many things that will harden him, but in that moment, he's just happy and free and a being of infinite potential.
it's knowledge that costs people their innocence, but what is "knowledge"? some of it is an awareness of mortality and a desire to stay alive no matter what. some is just an account of the things you see and hear as a small child, the people you talk to at school or work or in clubs, the shows you watch, the things that happen to you. so much of it is based on emotions that reflect primal motives to protect oneself at all costs. it is essential to entertain information that changes your world view or you will inevitably find yourself in a situation in which you did not check yourself, and thus have wrecked yourself [or others].
also: if you assume negative outcomes, they may or may not happen. sometimes you assume positive outcomes and things don't work out that well - they work out terribly! but, it can't hurt to try and see the world through a positive lens, or to assume most people are fundamentally the same and prone to similar psychological responses to an increasingly abstract existence. this is why morissey is so brilliantly bleak, and indulgent in the worst kind of negativity [which is certainly oh so seductive].
entertain love and embrace joy, and seek the balance in all things. though we cannot be fools all the time, it is foolish joy and mutually diminished suffering that is the only way to live in a non hostile world full of maddening contradictions. all people have the same goals, with different window dressing. our happiness and our sorrow is the same. we share a fate with members of our own kind. i too must cling to my own beliefs, because i'm no different. you have to choose to be open, to be hopeful. people make it through hard times. people pull together. people can be polite and kind and considerate, but it is harder to care for others when you are miserable or suffering, so try to take care of yourself and others as you can. you being nice matters too, because it makes other people's lives better. and that adds a cumulative layer of positivity for everyone. yeah, everyone's going to be an asshole now and again, and sometimes people really just have become mean. but not most people. not you... right?
and, i guess i should go ahead and say that there are times when it is completely appropriate to be mean or rude, to defend oneself from harm or maintain critical personal boundaries. but personal boundaries between people do not, by default, have to be contentious.
May 27th, 2011
Originally published at questing for the key in the cage. You can comment here or there.